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Where is my poeticness gone? I felt its silky gloves slipping from my fingers together with you and my bare, withered skin is torn and whipped by a freezing wind called absence.
Where is my will gone? I felt its support fade from under my eyelids together with you and my weak, dry eyes are struggling -but losing- against this overwhelming strength called exhaustion.
Where are my songs gone? I felt their As and Bs fall to a clef together with you and my old, ugly voice is strangled and suffocated by this powerful symphony called loneliness.
Where is it, my love, where is my happiness? You felt my heart beat beat beat to a bird's rhythm before dying out but your unspoken, painful secrecy just raised its walls more.
Where is my will gone? I felt its support fade from under my eyelids together with you and my weak, dry eyes are struggling -but losing- against this overwhelming strength called exhaustion.
Where are my songs gone? I felt their As and Bs fall to a clef together with you and my old, ugly voice is strangled and suffocated by this powerful symphony called loneliness.
Where is it, my love, where is my happiness? You felt my heart beat beat beat to a bird's rhythm before dying out but your unspoken, painful secrecy just raised its walls more.
And where did you take me, my love, where did you take me?
I feel shaken and lost, and these lands just echo of an era called you.
Ha, long time no see, sorrowful prose!
thank you for reading.
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thank you for reading.Does this formatting work? Do you like it?
© 2011 - 2024 TheMaidenInBlack
Comments48
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Overall
Vision Originality
Technique ImpactOh Erika, you are one of the loveliest people. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/h/h…" width="15" height="13" alt="
" title="Heart"/>This is beautiful. So... poetic, for lack of a better word. The language and imagery is gorgeous, and there are some really amazing parts.
My personal favorite:
You felt my heart beat beat beat to a bird's rhythm before dying out but your unspoken, painful secrecy just raised its walls more.
A few things I would consider:
<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b…" width="10" height="10" alt="
" title="Bullet; Blue"/> Every sentence after the parts in italics, are kind of run-ons. I would either make them shorter, or make them into more than one sentence. For me, it would just flow better.<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b…" width="10" height="10" alt="
" title="Bullet; Blue"/> The first three parts end in called (blank). The last two parts aren't consistent with that. I mean, the very last part is incongruous with the format as it is, so I would leave that part alone. The fourth part, however, is the same format as the first three parts, so it's up to you whether you want to keep it consistent or not.<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b…" width="10" height="10" alt="
" title="Bullet; Blue"/> I feel like the theme of loneliness is reiterated just a touch too much here. There are a few other tiny things, but none I can think of off the top of my head, so. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s…" width="19" height="19" alt="
" title="Shrug"/>Again, lovely job, m'dear.
I hope this was helpful to you!